5 Reason Why England Sucks
- It is always overcast.
It’s my current aim to become a successful YouTuber. The problem is, every vlogger, cinematic travel filmmaker, essayist and tutorialist appears to live in Sunnytown, New Golden Ray County, Sunrise.
I live in a valley just below the lake district. I write and I make my videos in an attic. Most days the only light and warmth I feel is artificial and whenever I look outside, it’s dark.
It’s hard to motivate yourself in that kind of condition, harder still to get nice lighting and impossible to get enough vitamin D.
2. Everything is dead.
As successful conquesting Brits, we exterminated every dangerous animal in this country except Swans, The Queen's pride and joy.
A walk in the woods is accompanied by this unsettling feeling that something is missing. The birds are quiet, nothing roams our great lakes or peaks. Studies have found that the UK is one of the most ‘nature depleted countries’ in the world. Over half of our biodiversity is gone.
And it’s not like we’re trying really hard to rewild as much as we can, with some of the most aggressive and effective rewilding projects in the world. No, there’s no hope. Don’t show my statistics! We’re doomed.
3. Pickles, Love Them Or Hate Them
Although we have our differences as Brits, we share an innate tendency towards resistance. We value our freedom highly and won’t stay knocked down for long. As the Old English Proverb goes,
I get knocked down but I get up again.
Chumbawamba
We’re prickly like that. But we can’t agree on pickles.
4. Summer.
We’ve got sandy beaches!
Yeah, but who the fuck wants to see them?
That’s my favourite line from Snatch, it sums it up nicely.
Summer usually lasts about 2 weeks and the water is usually all used up after the first.
But I will admit, our lakes and our peaks are rather gorgeous spread across the country, all proud and in bloom. I could probably even make some bright, pretty YouTube videos in July.
5. Home
I’m not trying to sound patriotic, so excuse me if I am. I think Tolstoy said that patriotism was a very low place to sink to indeed.
There is an awful lot wrong in our country. Even more so in the world. But I think that there are glimmers of hope to be found here in the place that I do and always will call home.
And besides, my dog lives here and he likes it so it can’t be that bad. Can it Ben? Oh Ben, Bennnnnnn come on! Walkies!
